Put your thoughts between the lines

Last year, I launched a personal vendetta against lined paper. I’m not really sure how it came about, nor does it matter really. All I know is that I began to resent the idea of being forced to make something as abstract as thoughts fit into the arbitrary boundaries laid out by a top and bottom line. Thoughts are creative. Thoughts are free. They already lose some of their freedom when we try to fit them into the boundaries set out by words and the physical plane… and then to make them conform to the boundaries laid out by lines – I don’t know, it’s just wrong. So I have spent the better part of a year actively trying to write in un-lined notebooks, or to not write in between lines – unless I feel like writing in between the lines… and not because the lines tell me that that’s where the words should go… if that makes sense.

Well, this morning as I was packing my things for work-school, I began to look for a notebook that I had bought a few months ago with the purpose of recording data, thoughts, etc. related to my doctoral study. Sure enough, it was on my bookshelf, and so I grabbed it enthusiastically and cracked the spine open. Mmmmm new book smell… only on top of smelling the smell of a new book, I also saw something that actually threw me into a little spin. The. Notebook. Had. No. Lines. Of course the notebook had no lines! I had bought it after all. I can’t use this notebook, I thought. It has no lines. I can’t deal with this lack of structure. Then I clued into what I just thought and snapped back into the moment and into noticing that my heart rate was quicker than normal… just a little quicker, but elevated from what it was before I grabbed the notebook anyways. Oh my gawd, what’s happened to me?!? But I really just wanted a notebook with lines, like the work book that I was already using for my study. Only I never thought about the fact that it had lines… until now… and so I put the un-lined notebook back on my shelf and slowly backed away…

It’s funny how the only constant truly is change. What I curled my lip at as recently as probably a month ago was now something that I had to have. What’s happened to me? I don’t think that I’m going to start sewing the days of the week into my underwear and socks… that’s being dramatic… but I’m beginning to see more and more that there’s a time and place for everything… and that we are constantly evolving. Right now, I’ve been presented with the opportunity to develop [manic] organization skills and to gain an appreciation for processes and checklists and order. Frankly, it’s the only way to keep my sanity and to stay on top of things. What I once considered anal-retentive, I now see as a beautiful way through which to create the reality that I went, and to also help structure my time and energy in a way that gives me more time to play. Does that mean I’ve changed? Sort of. But my hair has also grown since yesterday and I remember reading somewhere that our ears keep growing until death. So we’re never really the same person, from one moment to the next. And I think that I’m getting closer to the meaning of working smarter, not harder. Has this new appreciation for structure spilled over into my personal life? Highly unlikely… but even if it did, that would be ok… as long as it was aligned with who I am in the present moment. Because if we’re not ourselves, then who are we?!? And more importantly, why are we wasting our only [current] life on not being ourselves?!? Moreover, just like we owe it to ourselves to never sacrifice who we truly in order to be a person that others tell us we are or we should be… the same goes for our own ideas/thoughts/projections/conceptualization of ourselves. How many preconceived notions, judgments, and thought patterns do we have about ourselves that prevent us from expressing who we truly are or that prevent us from evolving? Nobody puts baby in the corner… yet, how often do we put our True Selves in the corner? So yes, I have changed. And that’s not a bad thing. It just is. Welcome new dimension of me!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s